Help With Kids Behavior

In 2001, a study showed that mothers’ eating habits significantly influence how their daughters eat. Even more than anything these mothers do to directly control the eating behavior of their daughters.

If that’s true, have you ever wondered how your dieting behavior affects your kids?

Before you choose a new diet plan, here are some things you might want to do for your kids’ sakes as well as your own:

1. Avoid perfect diets.

You’re not perfect. Nobody is.

If you choose a diet that requires perfect eating behavior, you’re setting yourself up for failure. And you’ll probably beat yourself up when you inevitably cheat – and cheat big.

If you don’t set realistic standards for yourself, your kids may think they have to meet impossible standards of perfection, too.

Isn’t it better to let them see you diet realistically? Show them how you can lose weight, but still handle social occasions like parties and eating out with friends.

Show them how you can work in a sweet treat now and then without acting like it’s a character flaw.

Give yourself permission to be human. For your benefit and for theirs.

2. Avoid crash diets.

You already know it’s unhealthy to lose more than 1 or 2 pounds a week. So don’t do it.

You wouldn’t want your kids to engage in risky or unhealthy behavior. You shouldn’t, either.

Unless your doctor advises you to lose weight more quickly, stick to a diet plan that helps you to lose weight gradually.

3. Don’t eliminate any food groups when you’re dieting.

You need proper nutrition and so do your kids. So make sure all of you eat a balanced diet with enough choices from all the food groups. That way, all of you will stay strong and healthy.

Losing weight doesn’t depend on cutting out certain foods or food groups. It’s just a matter of cutting calories. Wisely.

Anyone who tells you anything different is misinformed or lying. It’s calories. Period.

4. Set a sensible weight loss target for yourself.

You don’t want your kids to look like they’re anorexic. Neither should you.

It’s not healthy. And it’s not attractive, either.

Besides, we all know that magazines touch up those celebrity photos so our favorite stars look perfect. It’s fantasy. It’s illusion. It’s not real.

So get real. Diet down to a healthy target weight, then stop. There’s no need to go to some fashion extreme. You wouldn’t want your kids to do it, would you?

5. Avoid yo-yo dieting.

If you’re jumping from one diet to another with no real success or if your weight fluctuates wildly, then you’re choosing the wrong diet plans. Skip the extreme diets that torture you until you break.

You need to choose something you can live with so you can lose the weight once and for all.

Does that mean you’ll never gain an extra pound or two?

Of course not. But if you choose a realistic diet plan, you’ll discover how to handle minor setbacks so they don’t become major problems.

At the same time, you’ll show your kids how to cope with weight loss in a healthier, less frustrating way in case they ever face the same problem as adults.

Show your kids that dieting doesn’t have to be torture. That it doesn’t have to be unhealthy. That you don’t have to become an emotional basket case.

Show them that you can have a life and still enjoy it-even when you’re losing weight.

It’s better for you. And it’s better for them.

6. Don’t overreact if you cheat on your diet.

You don’t want your kids to obsess over body image. And you certainly don’t want them to have their entire self-image wrapped up in what they eat, do you?

Then don’t do it to yourself.

It’s easy to let a diet consume your life. Every conversation, every thought, every action seems to be about food and calories and fat grams and whatever else you’re counting on your diet plan.

Yes, you have to become more aware of what you eat when you want to lose weight. But do yourself and everyone around you a favor.

Keep it in perspective. Plan your meals. Then live your life.

If you deviate from the plan every once in a while, oh well. That’s life. Move on.

If you choose a realistic diet plan, it won’t be the end of the world. And you’ll still reach your weight loss goals.

Every diet plan should allow for those times when you need to indulge.

That way, you’re more likely to succeed. And everyone around you will be happier if you’re not obsessed with your diet.

Plus your kids may learn to keep their body image in perspective, too.

7. Get your doctor’s approval before you start any new diet plan.

This is probably the best thing you can do for your kids. Show them how to be sensible and how to take proper care of their health. Show them by taking care of your health.

It’s the best gift you can give them.

Important Disclaimer: This information is presented for educational purposes only. This isn’t medical advice and it’s not a substitute for any advice or treatment from your physician. You should always see your doctor before starting any new diet.

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There are Five Safety Secrets that truly make kids safe. These Secrets set the foundation of true safety for a lifetime in children, and can do the same for your child.

These Secrets will also surprise you. They work quietly and effectively beneath the surface of your child’s brain. If you use these Five Secrets, they will make any safety technique that much more effective. Without these Five Safety Secrets, your child will never be able to keep themselves safe. Ever.

Secret #1: Confidence.

Confidence and a positive self image are crucial in good child safety. Confident kids are less of a target for sexual predators. Not only do they stand taller and keep their heads up higher, they represent a problem, a less than easy victim for sexual predators.

Confident kids project “struggle” for any predator trolling for kids and more often than not, predators will pass them by. More often, predators will choose kids that appear weak and sad, a child in need of a friend. These are the kids that hang their heads, shuffle down the street and have a hard time looking anyone in the eye when they talk to them.

Confidence is a powerful deterrent.

And yet, there is something more, something deeper when your child is confident. Confident kids display certain structural changes, physical changes in their bodies that serve them better than kids that have poor self-images. Confident kids can control their physical movements a little bit better. At the same time, they can move more quickly and with finer control of those movements. We find confident kids can actually focus better mentally and for longer periods of time.

In other words, these kids are better equipped physically, mentally and emotionally to learn the actual safety techniques that could save them from sexual predators than kids that feel bad about themselves. Kids that hang their head, shuffle around, are tired or ill, cannot move with as much control or quickness or think as clearly as kids that are healthy and confident. A high degree of self confidence and a positive self image matter in good child safety.

Secret #2: Empowerment.

Empowering your child to take care of themselves is one of the most powerful Safety Secret you can learn.

When you empower your child, you truly teach them to make choices for themselves. When you mentor them as a parent you actually guide them into learning to make good, positive choices for themselves on their own. When they can do this, they will truly be safe for a lifetime.

In its simplest form, empowerment means your child feels like they have a measure of control over their life. They feel they can make their own decisions. Most kids don’t feel this ability. Most kids do not have it, either. Parents and adults are constantly making decisions for children:

-When to eat

-What to eat

-When to get up

-When to go to sleep

-Where to go

-Who to go with

-What to do

The list can go on endlessly. Life for a child can feel completely out of their control. Kids will engage in a struggle with their parents to get some control of their lives. In doing so it usually comes across as conflict.

-No! I don’t want to go!

-I don’t like that!

-I’m not eating that!

-Stop it!

-I don’t want to!

-Leave me alone!

The Secret to empowering your child, even at the youngest of ages, is in giving them their own choices to make. Give them alternatives to situations in their lives, let them make some of their own choices.

This too, can be pretty simple. For example, instead of serving them broccoli, ask them to choose between carrots, peas or broccoli or another vegetable. Give them a choice to make instead of just putting one on their plate. Instead of the green dress, ask your daughter which one she would like to wear. Instead of forcing your child into the brown shoes, ask them which ones they would like to put on today.

These are pretty simple examples, but this about as easy as it gets in empowering your child. Giving your child choices is crucial in their development. It is crucial in their ability to keep themselves safe, too.

Making choices matters to kids. When you do this simple, easy thing, miracles will happen within them. An empowered child starts to feel good about themselves. And what would consistent, good feelings about themselves lead to? Confidence!

Will your child always make good choices for themselves? No. That is where you, Mom and Dad, come into the picture. You, as a mentor to your child, can guide them through the array of choices they will face. You can guide them and teach them about good choices and the benefits of making good choices for themselves. It is what safe kids are all about.

Secret #3: Catch Them Being Good.

When your child makes a bad choice, it’s important for you to stay calm about it. Yes, this is easier said then done. However, it is critical in your child’s ability to keep themselves safe, that you learn to take their mistakes in stride.

You have to spend more time and energy catching your child being good.

A subtle prodding towards better choices is more effective than highlighting, in a big emotional way, any bad choice they make for themselves. If you have to highlight negative behavior, be very careful in saying, “That was a bad choice,” rather than “You are bad.” Take care to say, “You can make better choices,” instead of saying, “How stupid!” Things like, “You’re a great kid but that choice could have been better,” keeps your child’s image of themselves solid and highlights the choice only, not them, as being bad. Your child is good, the choice is bad.

Building confidence, building a solid self image in your child, builds safety. Capitalize on this and highlight the good things they do more often than the bad things. As a matter of fact, focus on highlighting as many good things as you can rather than making a big deal about the bad things they may do.

Catch Them Being Good.

Positive reinforcement is a much stronger teaching tool and technique for child safety than negative reinforcement. Praise your child when you see them doing good behaviors. Lavish the praise and adulation onto them when they do really great things. This is also positive mentoring. This is channeling your child into learning how to make good, solid and positive choices for themselves. It builds and fosters that ever-so-critical confidence in themselves.

It is easier to notice the bad behavior. We are tuned by society to notice the negative and bad things people do. It is very easy to notice the bad things your child does. It is a focus of many parents, naturally. Reverse the trend and make your focal point the things your child does well. Positive reinforcement will teach your child to repeat those behaviors you want and make it easier for you to guide them into those good choices.

Secret #4: Listening.

Another crucial Secret in teaching kids to be safe is to let them know you are listening to them.

Listening to your child goes beyond the standard, “Yep. Un huh. Sure.” These kinds of responses they get daily. True listening, the kind that allows your child to feel like they are really being heard and understood, is a special parenting skill.

Listening to your child happens in two ways: one, you allow them to say what they need to say, in their words, in their way, however they want to say it. It may be challenging to follow this advice, especially when your child speaks in disjointed sentences or jumbled words. They may take 5 or 10 minutes out of your busy day, but just let them talk without interrupting them. You can tell when it is important versus when they are just mumbling or making noise. Sit and listen to them. Take the time, make the time.

Two, listen to what they say without judgment. Even if you do not like what you hear, even if you feel upset by what you hear, listen to it. Be quiet, look them in the eyes with your full attention and simply listen to them.

Your child is coming to you. They need your attention. They believe at that moment you will listen to them. Do it. Reserve judgment and negative feelings about what they are saying for another time.

When you do this you are building on the future, on your child’s safety. They need to feel, deep inside, they can tell you about anything. They need the security of knowing you will listen to them and what they have to say. If your child is threatened in any way, they will need to come to you, Mom or Dad, and tell you. That rapport and comfort for them needs to be established at a young age. You start by simply listening to them.

Secret #5: Repetition.

This last Secret is probably the most important of all. You must use it and apply it, day in and day out at home.

True learning for your child comes with repetition. That is your job. You need to do it at home.

Repetition does not need to be boring, either. Make games out of things you want to teach. Use fun words and phrases your child uses when talking about safety. Fold in your child’s favorite toys, cartoon characters or things they like into activities you do several times a week. These are simple yet exciting skills for reinforcement activities. It’s repetition with excitement. What a great way to learn for any child!

Working with our techniques is also something to do a few times a week. Stay away from daily practice routines as if this was a sport as this is the surest way to bore your child and lose their attention.

Make learning safety fun. Make it exciting. Fold in the whole family and enjoy learning about true safety for a lifetime together.

Catching your child in a lie is maddening, painful and upsetting. What else does he lie about? How can I trust him? Behavioral therapist James Lehman explains why kids tell lies and suggests a better way for parents to deal with it.

Q: When your child lies to you, it hurts. As parents, it makes us angry and we take it personally. We feel like we can never trust our child again. Why does lying cause such anger, pain and worry for parents?

James: Parents are understandably very afraid of their children getting hurt and getting into trouble, but they have very little protection against these things as they send their kids out into the world. Kids learn from other kids and from external media, and this makes parents feel unsafe because they can’t control the information and ideas that their children are exposed to.

Your kid’s honesty becomes the connector between what’s happening to him on the outside world and what happens at home. You need him to tell you honestly what happened today, so that you can honestly decide if that’s best for him. You need him to tell you what he’s doing so you can decide if that’s going to help him meet his responsibilities now and in the future. When parents don’t get the right information, they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong choices for their kids.

When your kid lies, you start to see him as “sneaky,” especially if he continues to lie to you. You feel that he’s going behind your back, that he’s undermining you. You begin to think that your kids are “bad”.” Because, certainly, if lying is bad, liars are bad. It’s just that simple.

Parents need to make their kids responsible for lying. But the mistake parents make is they start to blame the kid for lying. It’s considered immoral to lie. But when you look at your kid like he’s a sneak and an operator who’s undermining your authority, it’s a slippery slope that starts with “You lie” and ends up at “You’re a bad person.” I think that perception of your kid promotes more lying. If your child thinks you think he’s “bad,” he’s going to hide the truth from you even more, because he doesn’t want be bad. Even though they are lying, kids don’t want to disappoint their parents.

Q: Let’s look at it from the child’s perspective. What’s going in on a child’s mind when they lie to their parents?

James: Kids know lying is forbidden. But they don’t see it as hurtful. Not the way that parents see it as hurtful. So a kid will say, “I know it’s wrong that I ate a sugar snack when I’m not supposed to. But who does it hurt?” “I know it’s wrong that I traded my dried fruit for a Twinkie. But it doesn’t really hurt anybody. I can handle it. What’s the big deal?” That’s what the kid sees.

When they don’t see it as hurtful, there are two different value systems operating: the family’s value system that says this is forbidden and the kid’s value system that says if it’s not hurting anybody, what do you care? The kid rationalizes his actions and justifies his behavior with the idea that it doesn’t hurt anybody. The outcome is a dishonest situation. A lie.

When you get to adolescence, of course, the stakes get much higher. But the thinking remains the same. Kids smoke pot and drink and say, “Well it doesn’t hurt anybody. My friends smoke pot and it doesn’t hurt them. I know drinking’s wrong, but my parents drink and it doesn’t hurt them. I can handle it. I’m older than my parents think I am.” They know it’s forbidden. They either don’t see it as hurtful, or they rationalize the hurt away.

Q: So what’s the best way for parents to deal with lying, so that they don’t feel hurt and resentful about it and so that the child learns not to lie?

James: The first thing you have to do is be careful of is giving lies too much power. If you have a kid who’s mad at you or feels aggravated and powerless, and if he feels he can gain power over you by telling you a lie, he’ll use dishonesty to get that power. He’ll withhold information and lie by omission when you’re trying to get the truth. He’ll give you little pieces of information, and that makes him feel powerful. It’s a trap for parents. Honesty is important, but if you communicate that too strongly to your children, they will use that to have power over you. You have to keep these things a certain size so that they’re not used against you.

The second thing to remember is that you have to understand the power of the culture that kids go into. It’s a very powerful culture that exerts a lot of pressure to “fit in.” They may feel guilty if they lie to their parents. But, again, they’re thinking, “This isn’t that hurtful, and my parents just don’t understand.” Of course, parents do understand. They’re frightened, and they should be.

So I think that parents have to assume that kids are going to tell them lies, because they’re immature and they don’t understand how hurtful these things are. They’re also drawn towards excitement, and their parents aren’t. It’s not like the good kids aren’t drawn to excitement and risk, and the bad kids are. It’s not that the good kids don’t lie and the bad kids do lie. They’re all drawn to excitement, and they’ll all have a tendency to distort the truth because they’re kids.

I think parents have to deal with lying the way a cop deals with speeding. If you’re traveling too fast, he issues you a ticket. He’s not interested in a lot of explanations from you. He’s just going to give you a consequence. Look at it the same way with your child. He didn’t tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted or withheld. There should simply be consequences for that. The first time you lie, you go to bed an hour early. The second time, you lose your phone. It should be something that the kid feels. You lose your phone for twenty four hours. You lose your phone for two days. You lose computer time or TV time.

The consequences have to make the child uncomfortable or they don’t change anything. The idea is that the next time he’s faced with telling you the truth or lying, he’ll recall how uncomfortable he was when he did the consequence for lying, and he’ll tell you the truth instead.

The consequence should be about the lying. If there’s a separate consequence for the incident, that should come down separately. If you come home later than your curfew and you tell me the truth, you may still lose going out Friday night, but you won’t lose your phone. If you lie to me, you lose both.

Parents should not focus on the morality of it. Just be clear. Lying is wrong, it’s hurtful and, in our home, we tell the truth. But don’t make it a moral issue. Make it a technical issue. You broke the law. You broke the rules. These are your consequences.

When a cop writes me a ticket, he doesn’t follow me home or argue with me. He hands me my ticket and he drives away. Approach the consequences for lying the same way. Don’t argue about it or get into a big discussion. Discuss it in a structured way: “What were you trying to accomplish by doing that?” Not “Why did you lie? You know how much lying hurts me.” Just ask what he was trying to accomplish, then point out that lying is not the way to solve his problem. Compliance is the way to solve it. Talk about it after things have cooled down, not in the heat of the moment. Explain what will happen if he lies again. “If you lie to me about the dance, you’re not going to the next dance and I’m taking your phone for twenty four hours.” Just keep it really simple.

Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents.com